INTRO: So I wrote this post last week but didn't really want to publish it. It was a little too raw then, but I have had a week now with God changing my heart and He really has. But as my blog is one of journeying through motherhood and encouraging others, I feel like I should share it as it is real and raw and open. Please do share your comments below but I would ask that you are mindful of the place that I am in right now (hormones and pregnancy emotions do not make the best environment for taking hurtful remarks or making life decisions!!).
Ok, I am going to be brutally honest here. I found out that our second baby is going to be another boy. And I am disappointed.
Now I know that will be a shock for some to hear - all life is amazing and I am still incredibly happy and grateful that I am pregnant (for so many this isn't a possibility) and that the baby is healthy (again, for many this isn't true and they have other battles to deal with). But in complete openness, I was hoping for a girl and a part of me, deep down inside, is upset and disappointed that it is a boy again.
With my first pregnancy I refused to find out what it was, sort of wanting to join in that whole "surprise!" adding to the experience thing. But again, if I am brutally honest, it was because all I dreamed for was a girl and I thought that if I found out it was a boy at 20 weeks I would have been devastated. The preferable option was to find out in the delivery room where I would be so exhausted and happy it was out of me that I wouldn't care, and that is sort of what happened!
Two years on and I love my little boy to bits. I wouldn't change a thing about him or my life. And I know that in 5ish months, when baby number two pops out (it is that simple you know!!) that I will be filled with joy and that I won't be able to imagine anything different. But right now, in this moment, I am sad.
I guess it is because I am not sure if I want to be pregnant another time, and I am definitely not sure if I want to go through it all again for a third boy! I took my feelings to the safe place of a Christian Mum's group on facebook and such wisdom came out. They confirmed that it is ok to be feeling this way, that in a small part it is like grieving for the daughter that I might not get to have. That doesn't mean to say that you don't love or want your son, it is just that loss of something else. One lady reminded me that those who wrote the psalms put all their feelings out there - they didn't hide their disappointment with God or their anger. Instead they brought it all to him, the happiness and the sadness, and said "God - what do I do with this?!"
So I am sure in a few days this feeling will pass, and I am going to work through it all with my Father God who knows much better than I do what is best for me and my family. In the meantime, someone shared this blog post with me and I found it really helpful, so perhaps you might like it....